Tagged: life

Jun 11

i’m 18 (please give me a time machine)

So here I am at 3:59 am, blogging. The house is quiet and dark, but my brain is anything but. I have alot of thoughts churning in my head, a rumbling stomach, and I also slept too late this morning which always keeps me up the next night. There’s also some other things bugging me, like for example the birds singing outside. Seriously. What they are doing singing at 4 in the morning, I have no idea, but it’s true.

Anyway, I am mainly not sleeping because my mind is very busy. This is not uncommon, but has been an increasing problem for a while. I have finally decided to get out of bed and launch into a bloggy tirade about how hard it is to be a teenager (trust me, I also fully realize how hard it is to be around a teenager as well, but that’s a completely different post).

It all started with the beginning of senior year. People told me, “Oh, take advantage of senior year! It’s so great and you only live it once!” There’s like this aura of awesomeness surrounding being a senior, like you have lived through the icky parts of high school and reached enlightenment or something, and now you really are cool, even if you weren’t before. Well, after having experienced it, I don’t buy all that. Senior year was nice and all, but it felt an awful lot like junior year, except with more stress, more decisions, more stuff to do, more stuff to wish I could do, and more stuff to wish I hadn’t done. It lasted about as long as summer generally does – not long enough – and it cost more money than all my high school education put together.  Throughout the year, there were things to be disappointed about, just like any other year. There was stuff that came up unexpectedly, or sat there annoyingly, or bothered me for weeks on end before I finally gave up being upset about it. I don’t know what I was expecting, but to be honest, I guess I was hoping for something better.

Now that I have graduated, I’m glad I did graduate. It took me until the recessional on graduation day to decide that, but at least I’m there now. Struggling through senior year was worth it to be able to say I made it. And then there was this post-graduation euphoria thing where I couldn’t wait to go to college, live my dreams, make my mark on the world. I think that phase lasted about 2 weeks at most. And now here I am, no longer ready to take on the world, stuck in a very uncomfortable spot until further notice. My 18th birthday was June 7th, which adds to the responsibility I put on myself. My perspective on life right now is pretty negative – not because I want it to be, but because I am trying to reconcile my dreams with reality. Let’s face it, reality is harsh and uncertain, which stinks.

I am having a lot of trouble with the fact that so many people go to college, and yet never end up doing what they want to do. Their dreams get put on hold because of financial problems, having a kid, getting married, some kind of crisis, etc, and they just never get back to it. I know many smart, amazing people who had dreams, once, and they’ve totally driven a stake into what they wanted for themselves, or have had their vision for life completely shattered by something outside of their control. I know few people who had a budget as small as mine, and dreams as big and fluffy as mine, who have succeeded and lived to tell the story. Do not that many succeed at all? Or do people just forget what it’s like to be here?

I also have a problem with timing, and how short life is. People always seem to think that because I’m young, how long I live and stuff doesn’t matter to me because I have my whole life left. That’s not true. I have already lived 18 long years. I’m not saying I’m as old as dirt or anything, but 18 years would be a long time for a marriage to last, or for a cat to live, or for a carton of milk to be in the refrigerator, right? I have lived ALL 18 of those years and they totally flew by. After graduating and having a birthday, it feels even more like I have somehow missed out on a chunk of life that’s already over. How much time I have left and what I want to do with it is something that weighs very heavily on me, however young I may be. There is so much to finish on the short term before summer ends, before the great formidable COLLEGE gets in the way and I am stuck. In the long term, I almost constantly get bombarded with my own questions – Am I wasting my life by wanting this right now? Is this where I am supposed to be? If I go here and do this with my life, will I regret it? What if I am interrupted by this, or that? Can I leave that behind for 4 years or is it more important than I think it is? Specifically, I find myself wondering whether I can leave my house this fall. Is getting out into the world and starting on a path to my own life more important than staying home and watching my siblings grow up? Staying in one place seems like wasted time, but I don’t want to miss anything. I want to stay here and enjoy it when Anna learns to really talk, and our bunnies are hopping around the house, and I am finally done redecorating my room. I want to be here when my parents need a babysitter, and when Sarah wants to play ball, and when Liam draws me a picture.

In sum, I don’t really wanna grow up. Being here is hard. My only comfort is that I can let God handle it, and He will do a better job than me. As much as I hate mushy stuff, it’s true. Being young forever is easier, but it really screws up the time space continuum.

Speaking of which, it is now 5:07 am. I might as well go to bed and take what I can get before my alarm goes off and I face another day of being young.

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May 14

my life in review

Well, maybe not all of my life, but some of it. Here are the highlights of what’s been up lately:

- I did get the promised pink fuzzy dice for my car. They are so fuzzy and dicelike. My parents also got my car fixed, so I’ve been driving it. It has undeniable zoom factor, but yes, I have been driving the speed limit. Usually.

- I went to prom. I wore my mom’s lace dress as I said I would back in the fall, with black accessories, and somehow my mom managed to give me an updo even though my hair isn’t even long enough to put it into a ponytail yet (the power of hairspray is now more evident to me than ever before). Anyway, it was fun to dress up, but boring to attend. Dancing with strangers is not all that enjoyable for me, and I needed tacos or something instead of dainty little cookies. I also realized while at prom that I have forgotten how to do the macarena. This is a concern for me, since apparently everyone else in high school knows how. Note to self: next time, I will dress up at home and eat real food and dance with my sister instead, to songs I actually know. Like the chicken dance (which I may or may not remember any better than the macarena).

- I graduated. This is kind of a big deal I suppose, so I will blog about it more in depth at a later date. I also had my open house, which also has alot of details and stories to go with it. But for now, I’ll just say that the post-graduation-thank-you-card stage has arrived, and I have accidentally inhaled a lot of rubber cement fumes over the past few days.

- My brother is still practicing his accidental stand-up comedy. Today he was examining a strainer in the kitchen, and I said, “Do you know what that’s for?” He said yes, he did know what it was for, and it was “an organizer.” “It puts the small things outside and keeps the big things inside,” as he put it.

- Sarah is now on a 1200 calorie a day diet. She is having so much fun adding up all the calories she eats, it’s almost hilarious. I am trying to beat her in number of calories per day because I could stand to gain weight, but so far I am just not winning. I think it’s because though I pride myself in eating lots of calories, I can’t fit nearly as much food in me as she can. But stay tuned, I will persevere.

- Anna is learning to stand up by herself. She practices a lot in the bathtub, of all places. For a while there she was saying “hi” like crazy and she still has days where that’s her thing, but now she has also moved on to babbling like a maniac. The sound she makes cannot be accurately imitated or written down… But it is hilarious. You know Kirby from the Chicken Little movie when he gets excited? It sounds alot like that, and Anna even has the blue eyes and fuzzy hair to go with it. She only has two eyes though, but personally I’m okay with that.

Well, that’s about all I can think of at the moment. If I forgot something important, don’t worry. I’ll come back soon. (sooner than I have lately, promise.)

Alicia <3

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