Mar 04

2012 – a bold journey

This year I chose a word instead of a New Year’s resolution. I wanted a word to guide my choices and attitudes over the course of 2012 – something that would stretch and challenge me as a person and as a Christian. I thought long and hard about what word I should choose. I asked God to point me in the direction he had in mind. I had a few word ideas, some of which I liked and one of which scared the heck out of me. Of course, that scary one was God’s idea. In the end, of course he won. My word for 2012 is BOLD.

Anyone who knows me at all could tell you that I don’t exactly embody BOLDness. In fact, I’m pretty much the opposite. I do have opinions and feelings that are just as strong as anyone else’s. But I think that most people I meet only get to know the timid side of me, and only the ones who stick with it will ever really see any of the BOLD stuff that I sometimes wish I could live out better. Those things are hidden by all the fears and insecurities that I have. Believe me, I have A LOT of them.

And the thing about living in fear is that as much as you want to break out of it, it kind of gets comfy in there, where you can shift the blame and make excuses. The thing is, I have long known that my comfort zone is cramped and narrow. But I like it. It’s predictable. It’s simple. Most of all, when I’m in my comfort zone, I am in control.

The reality is that I should be far more comfortable trusting all aspects of my life to God, than taking it all into my own foolish hands. This year’s word is a way of encouraging myself to do things that I can’t control so that he can step in and take the reins.

The physical manifestations of this so far have been terrifying. I took a speech class to face my fear of public speaking. I used the bank drive thru, which turned out to be not so bad. I dyed my hair, something i’ve been wanting to do for a while. I’ve maintained and formed new friendships despite my fear of rejection. I’ve spoken my mind in situations where my point of view wasn’t necessarily popular. Of course, I find these things freeing, once conquered.

But if the real-life, everyday part has been scary, the intangible part is even worse. My idea of what BOLD looks like has slowly been picked apart. I’ve found that BOLDness is less about being strong, confident and self-sufficient, and more about being  honest, willing and vulnerable. So basically, being BOLD is even scarier than I originally thought. It’s not something that I can conquer. It’s not something that I can get a 4.0 on. I know now more than ever that this will be a journey, not just a state of mind or a one-size-fits-all formula for life. Stopping and assessing my situation every few steps to reflect on my fears will just slow me down. I just have to move, and ask myself this question: what would I do if I weren’t afraid?

 

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