Archive for January, 2013

Jan 28

when i’m not sleeping

When I’m not sleeping, I think.

I get more thinking done at night than I do during the day. I think about all sorts of things. I wouldn’t go so far as to call these thoughts profound, but many times I do go beyond remembering tomorrow’s agenda or making mental to-do lists.

For example, when I’m not sleeping, I think about life. I think about how short it is and whether I’ve wasted mine. I think about the road I’m on and whether it’s the right one. I think about what my future life could look like if I keep living this way. I wonder if I’ll be happy 20 years from now.

When I’m not sleeping, I think about death. I think about what my life would be like without the ones I love. I wonder what their lives would be like without me. I wonder which of my friends would come to my funeral. Who would cry? I think about whether the people I’d die for would do the same for me.

When I’m not sleeping, I think about how much I crave approval. I think about how impatient I am when I want something. I think about how easy it is to get selfish when it’s just me, talking to myself in the dark. I think about my sinful heart. I think about my jealous attitude. I think about how unworthy I am. I think about how He loves me anyway. I wonder if I’ll ever understand His love enough to stop looking for fulfillment elsewhere.

When I’m not sleeping, I think about love. I think about how it’s stronger than death. I think about how True Love saves me every day. I wonder if I have a true love on earth and where he might be. I think about the people I know who He uses to show His love far more than I deserve. I think about the rewards that come with serving Him even when it’s hard. And I think I’m blessed. I think I love Him. And I think I’m gonna make it.

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