Archive for April, 2012

Apr 18

perfect lies

Negative feelings have a funny way of distorting the realities in life. Often it feels like I am so stuck on something negative that everything I tell myself during that time is a complete lie.

Today, the lies piled up, and I listened.
1. I am not cut out for this.
2. It is not worth trying.
3. I can never be as good as them.
4. I am a fake.
5. I am a hypocrite.
6. They are more perfect than I am.
7. I am worse than they are, because of what I have done.
8. They would think I was awful, if they only knew how I lived.
9. I have no right to be with them, because I am so terrible, and they are so good.
10. It will always be like this.

When I find myself facing lies like these, I know in my head they are lies. I think, with my brain, that I am wrong. But my heart still feels heavy with shame.

Because the truth is not what most people would think. The truth is that many wouldn’t quickly guess some of the things I’ve done. The truth is that i have done some terrible things.

There is a song I’ve been hearing on the radio about scars.
“Praise God, we don’t have to hide scars. They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts. They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are.”

It’s the last part that trips me up in real life, because sometimes I just feel consumed with imperfection.

Sometimes, I feel like I have no hope of becoming unstuck from my frame of mind.

Sometimes I think that what I do is who I am.

Sometimes I have no reason to forgive myself.

Because I am a terrible, terrible person. A sinner, through and through. The only reason I am still here is by God’s grace, and I don’t understand that, not even the tiniest bit.

I am not a perfect person. I kill myself trying to be one, but I never even come close. I will never ever come anywhere close. I know that, in my head. and I am finding that realizing it in my heart is a slow, painful, ongoing process.

On days like today I feel like I just need to remember that I have not “ruined” God’s plan for me by being imperfect. Rather, imperfection IS part of God’s plan for me. Someday, I’ll get to the perfect part, after i’m done and through with this life. But for now, I’m right where He wants me to be. broken. messed up. twisted. filled with problems. laden with burdens. yes, a sinner through and through. Because God is in the business of life transformations.

And so I imagine God, seeing me.

Realizing I don’t measure up.

Knowing that I have done shameful things.

Understanding that my heart is fragile and scarred.

And not just in spite of that, but BECAUSE of it, He chooses me. Out of all the others, he wants me.

And as he scoops me up in His hand, he says,

“This one’s perfect.”

 

that’s all I really need to hear.

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